Office Theatrics Featuring The Queen of Darkness

Sheathed in black, I slink down the hall to the watering hole for my caffeine fix. I’m filling up when I hear one of the phrases I most loathe at the office: “Hee hee! Looks like Lauren didn’t get the PINK memo!” I smile a big fake smile at the three cackling middle-aged women wearing hideous pink outfits as they wait by the coffee machine. But then the smile vanishes and my eyes lose what little warmth they had. A suddenly grim Lauren responds, “I like my clothes like I like my coffee…”

“French roast?” One of them asks, all confused. I narrow my eyes at her.

“No, dipshit! She likes her coffee BLACK,” her friend answers, rolling her eyes. “Plain, with no sugar or cream.” They all giggle.

“You should wear color more often. You’d look good in purple,” the third one says.

“Better send her the purple memo for Thursday,” the dipshit suggests. It’s hilarious. They all laugh hysterically. A real knee-slapper.

I think about hurling my hot coffee at them. “Was yesterday’s rainbow tie-dye skirt not enough for you people?!”

The smart one smirks. “Oh, that. With the black tights, black boots, black belt, and black shirt?”

Then I hold a piece of my green hair out to her – “Green. See?”

The women sigh collectively and, one by one, dump cream and sugar in their sad little cups. I glower at them and creep back to my desk.


“Look, here comes the Queen of Darkness!” announces Shawn the mail room guy as I enter the lunch room. I’m used to it – the old white-haired fellow (I call him Snowcap) constantly teases me and I have fun with it. Everyone at the tables looks up and some of them chuckle.

“Shut up or I’ll get my spell book out! You’ll be sorry!” I point my imaginary bony witch finger at him and attempt to look menacing.

“OooOooOOooOo,” he pretends to be worried. “Enjoy your lunch, sweetheart!”


“Are you going to wear red tomorrow for the football game?” inquires Kathy, a huge sports fan. I’ve told her a million times I don’t really do sports but she never listens.

“What is football?” I ask innocently.

Oh, the horror. “Ohmygodareyouserious?” she recoils, placing her hand over her gaping mouth.

“Oh!” I say, slapping my knee. “That’s the one with that pointy ball thing made out of pig skin. And these dudes in tights throw it around and tackle each other?” She looks like she might cry. I wink and put my headphones back on.


The women chatting by my cubicle discuss the Halloween cubicle-decorating contest. I can feel their eyes on me. One of them declares, “Everyday is Halloween for Lauren!” I spin around in my chair and hiss dramatically. Too bad I didn’t wear my velvet cape.


9 thoughts on “Office Theatrics Featuring The Queen of Darkness

  1. Ah, lovely this one Lauren, Really enjoyed it! Maybe next time these creepy colleagues decide to share their idea of humour one could interject “its been a while since I tasted human blood” (all the while maintaining eye contact)

    Its been a tough day at work, I was just thinking about strangling someone with their own intestines, ah, such happy thoughts! 😉

    I just very recently saw the film “Midnight Son” on tv, it was awesome, and most likely right up your street! 🙂

    • Ah, thank you from the bottom of my black heart. I like your style, I may just try that line out!

      If you did happen to strangle someone with their own intestines, what music would you choose to have playing in the background? I’m thinking classical.

      Is it Midnight Sun or Son? I can’t find Midnight Son when I search for it.

  2. Ah yes, good choice of soundtrack! LOL Classical for definite, could be some heavy metal tho I guess, but I think some soft classical concerto would be quite appropriate! Ha,ha! 😀

  3. Ha ha ha! Lauren! I would love to take my head elves to work with you. They would get such a kick out of that. You have a wonderful talent for slipping through sedate lifestyles of others and leaving enough of a wake to shake them a little. Excellent post at precisely the right time. Now, I need to go find some black clothes and some green hair color.

    • I’d be stoked to have them there! Ha, I’m a shaker-upper. A feather-ruffler. You must post photos when that happens. We’ll see who wore it best. 🙂

      • Ha ha ha! I don’t mind being second place in a two-person contest. I think that would shake and ruffle nicely to have a bit of deja-vu wandering around.

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