Spiderday

“Yeah, I’ll be over at eight ‘o – AHHHHH!” I froze, holding the phone to my ear. “Mom?”

“Uh, yes? What’s going on?”

“There’s this hairy spider on the balcony door. It’s standing up on its back legs. It’s pretty big.”

“Oh…my…God. Do what you gotta do and call me back.”

I sat in fear and studied the spider for a while, calculating its movements. This was going to be a tricky one since it moved at high speeds. And strangely it reminded me of a strobe light – the movements were jerky. I was positive that this motherfucker could jump on my face at any second depending on how close I was. I compared it to the size of a quarter. It was stupid, really – because here I was with almost a full sleeve of bug tattoos but I’d always freaked out about spiders. Wolfgang the cat sat nearby and stared up at the spider, waiting for my next move. Might his owner serve an afternoon snack? It wouldn’t be the first time he’d dined on an arachnid.

I didn’t want to kill it, so I figured I’d slap a glass over it, slide a paper over the edge, and take it outside. Pulling those blinds up was a terrifying ordeal where the spider scooted around and I said many four-letter words. It reared up on its back legs on multiple occasions when I got close with the glass and looked right at my face with its 8 beady little eyes. I hadn’t seen a spider do that before. Finally I took the plunge and slammed the glass down hard on the door. I looked around wildly to make sure it was in the glass and thankfully I did see a little black body in there. Then I looked down and yelped, for the front half of the spider was scurrying away and it slipped through the crack under the door. Guess my glass chopped it right in two. I took the spider’s ass and threw it away. Then I remembered this song from The Cure – one of my favorites:

On candy stripe legs the Spiderman comes
Softly through the shadow of the evening Sun
Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead
Looking for the victim shivering in bed

Searching out fear in the gathering gloom
And suddenly a movement in the corner of the room
And there is nothing I can do when I realize with fright
That the Spiderman is having me for dinner tonight

Quietly he laughs and shaking his head
Creeps closer now, closer to the foot of the bed
And softer than shadow and quicker than flies
His arms are all around me and his tongue in my eyes

Be still be calm be quiet now my precious boy
Don’t struggle like that or I will only love you more
For it’s much too late to get away or turn on the light
The Spiderman is having you for dinner tonight

And I feel like I’m being eaten
By a thousand million shivering furry holes
And I know that in the morning
I will wake up in the shivering cold
And the Spiderman is always hungry

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