I like kids – I used to volunteer at my church’s nursery long ago. Later on I worked at a Preschool, then as a summer camp counselor for grades K-6, then co-teaching a kindergarten enrichment program, and finally I pursued a degree in Elementary Education and made it through part of the student teaching process. The teaching thing was something I sort of forced myself to do. I always wanted to be a writer, but I was pressured by family to major in something that didn’t say “starving artist.” I didn’t know what else to do but I liked kids and always got good grades…so teaching made sense. I was almost through the program and had a little less than 2 semesters left. One day as I finished writing an essay and some lesson plans I took a look ahead at what my life might be like as a teacher.

I would put my all into being creative and teaching the little ones. I knew once I got home the work wouldn’t stop there. I’d be thinking and worrying about the next day, the next week, etc. Even during summers off I’d be obsessing over the next school year. I knew it would drain me and there would be no time for writing, my true love. What’s more, I despised writing lesson plans. I’m a perfectionist, too –planning lessons down to a T was driving me NUTS. I like to have a plan, and I don’t do improv very well.

So while I was sitting in front of my computer at home, planning lessons and making sure they met various benchmarks from the curriculum, I had an epiphany: stop doing this – and start doing what you love, right now. So I stopped going and dropped out that very second. I immediately enrolled in a creative writing program at a different school and knew I was in the right place. I flourished, I glowed with pleasure, and my heart beat happily in my chest.

Oh yes, PREGNANT. I’m sure you were wondering when I’d get to this. The first 3 paragraphs were just letting you know I like children – BUT…the thought of giving birth has always horrified me. I never grew up yearning to have children and the perfect family. I never fantasized about weddings. Instead, I dreamed about decorating a cool house and having lots of cats. Traveling a lot, making art, and writing awesome stories. And maybe I’d meet a nice guy and this situation would eventually blossom into a beautiful relationship and perhaps…oh who knows.

Now back to being preggers. I always imagined it like Alien – the science fiction horror film series. This life growing inside of you is like a parasite, feeding off of you. It might not make you feel that great, either. Then it BURSTS out of you (not out of your chest, but somewhere much worse) and there’s blood, goo, and lots of pain. And the creature that comes out isn’t even that pretty (it will be later, but when it first comes out it’s a wrinkly, red, screeching little thing).

“Oh no,” mothers tell me. “It’s a beautiful thing. It changes you. It’s amazing! Once you hold that baby in your arms the first time, you’ll see.” I have no doubt this is true. But it’s the point leading up to that touching Kodak moment that I’d like to skip. I’d rather be put to sleep and have a C-section!

Now don’t get your feathers all ruffled and your buns all buttered. I am not pregnant, I never was pregnant, and who knows if I ever will be. Unfortunately I’m an only child and my parents really want grandkids someday. I could always adopt but they wouldn’t like that…they want me to continue the blood line. The whole thing just gives me the creeps. I think I’ll stick with the cats for now.

What provoked this nightmarish post was the abundance of babies everywhere on facebook. Ultrasound photos, progress, newborns, all that jazz. I’m happy for my friends and their little ones, but I don’t go googoo gaga over babies. I feel really uncomfortable at baby showers. The whole parasite thing gives me the heebie jeebies. Being a host for 9 months, going to the doctor frequently to get poked and prodded in my privates?! I’ll pass! The little human inside eats up your food and energy storage. Sometimes babies can even cause harm to the mother before or during pregnancy. The world is overpopulated as it is, and sometimes I’m sure I won’t contribute. Then I see a happy family together and a little glimmer of desire shines deep inside. Then again, I know several women who never had any children and now are too old to have them. These women live on my mom’s street, and some work where I do. They seem perfectly happy with their animals and their lives. Meanwhile I’m growing older.


9 thoughts on “Pregnant!

  1. Wow, I’m rather impressed with this posting, and I’m wondering, was it spawned by anything you said to me in your last message? Because I’m thinking it was… But it TOTALLY factors into my responce, too, which is coming. That’s kind of surreal how it applied. I originally clicked the link on your Facebook page thinking “OMG is she pregnant?!” (I’m almost relieved to have read that you aren’t (is that weird?)) But yeah, great and intresting posting, I LOVE your writing style. 🙂

    • Nah, just the multitude of baby stuff on the old FB. Pictures everywhere! You’re relieved? Me, too. Thank you for reading! Glad you enjoy my style – what would you call it, I’m curious?

      • Yes, yes, I’m relieved. WHEW! 😉
        You might have written this blog article because of the pictures on FB and all, but I still find it rather coincidental that it factors with some things I’ve been thinking recently (on the flip side of the coin, of course!) but you wouldn’t know about all that yet.

        Moving along, I’m not particularly good with labels either. However I would describe this particular piece (and others) as “highly motivated” by the issues which spurred their creation. While I’m not sure that counts as a “style,” I stand behind my statement.

        Also, I posted my responce to this blog entry before anyone had posted responces on your facebook page, but you wouldn’t be albe to tell from that damned timestamp! And speaking of time stamps, it would appear I can see into the future. I’ve read your reply to my original reply right now, at 11:30pm on Tuesday, February 12. I wonder when this reply will “post?”

  2. We have so much in common it’s scary. I did finish the teacher training by the way and totally agree on that spending all summer preparing for the classes after. I have done that so very often, but have decided that I am not going to anymore, holiday is holiday. Keep on blogging in a free world – The False Prophet

    • Oh yeah? Except that you can’t give birth (one can dream though, right?!). That’s great you finished up and are making a difference with the kiddos and taking actual time for yourself in the summer. I’ve finally had enough of sitting in a cube all day after 4 years, even though I’m in the publishing industry and it makes sense for my degree. But sitting in front of a screen all day at work does not get me excited to hop on the computer again when I get home to write. I do miss working with kids so I’m transitioning to a kids + fitness sort of career which should motivate me to write more as well.

  3. Lauren I went and did a course in teaching and felt exactly the same, I was only doing it our of a duty to earn cash and be responsible, when really, Id done the preceding art course cos I wanted to learn to do better art, not because I wanted security and all that horrid respectability! Ha, well, its fine if someone else does it for that reason, if they believe in the system and want to be a part of it, but me, I always secretly, on even un-secretly wanted to create my own!

    Anyhow, I finished the course somehow, and did do some teaching work, but I was never dedicated, well, not enough to tow the line anyhow, lesson plans, curriculum, these things bore me! 😉

    Well, you can’t really hold an alien that bursts out your guts in such a way can you? heh,heh, I get you on that too, its more responsibility and maturity – how do they even get there in the first place?? To me, its a cop out, but they do say oh no, its not like that, its all so beautiful, I don’t know, maybe I’m just a rotter! I got that mean streak, my granny had it, oddly enough, that smirky sneaky grin that says screw it all, lets be originals! 😉

    • You, too, eh?! Did you teach art? It’s all about the standardized testing now. Tests, tests, tests, prepare those kids for the tests. And if you have blue hair then don’t even think about teaching.

      Haha, you’re just a mean ‘ole punkrocker. Granny must have been a real treat.

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