The following tale is based on true events…
It’s 4am and three classy women are walking to their cars from 43rd and Pennsylvania to the Westport Flea Market. We have Tessa, the bright-eyed, innocent Austrian girl studying to be a nurse. Her auburn curls are tied back in a ponytail – they bounce with every step. She peers at the world through glasses, and this presents a very suitable look for her since she is a smarty-pants kind of girl. Tonight she’s wearing a holey black top, jeans and some bright yellow flats. Tagging along is Blair, a bewitching beauty that likes dogs, bats, and children. She has a flair for good eye makeup and ghoulish video games. She’s sporting a dark but dressy birthday outfit – that’s the reason for the outing, to celebrate her 25th. Lastly there is Lauren, a dirty-blonde goofball who has dressed up in gothic attire for the evening. She likes cats, tattoos, and canned peas.
The girls giggle about the night’s events when a happily drunk young man comes up behind them holding some food in a wrapper. He exclaims, “The homeless man talked me out of a pita! Can you believe it?! I can’t believe it.” The girls whirl around to see who this silly stranger is. A normal looking young guy stands before them, wearing a Sporting KC shirt and some shorts. He’s holding a gyro sandwich from the food truck not far behind them. Well, almost a gyro if it weren’t for the homeless man who yelled at him. Now this poor lad is walking around with regrets. The girls instantly like him – he seems genuinely nice and kind of adorable. He introduces himself as “Andrew” and they learn that he is also going to his car. They walk and talk about pleasant things until a dreadful, uninvited wanderer appears out of nowhere.
The author of this tale can’t even remember what the new gentleman was wearing because she just about peed her pants after he started speaking. Was it out of fear or excitement?
“Mmmm. Goth girls,” the man mumbled in a low tone. The girls exchanged what-the-fuck glances. Andrew was nearby but this odd man had the girls’ attention at the moment.
He continued, “I want to show you something disturbing,” and his lips formed a crooked smile. It might have been okay had this man been attractive, but that was not the case. He motioned for them to go into a dark building to the left. The sign on top said The Dollhouse and it appeared to be a hair salon.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ENDING:
#1: The girls pondered and smiled. “Yeah, I think it’s a great idea!” Lauren said.
Blair nodded and replied, “I sure love following weird, creepy men into closed shops.” Tessa couldn’t get over this wonderful guy – he had all the qualities she was looking for in a man: she didn’t know anything about him, he seemed scary, and she enjoyed the spine-chilling sensations he gave her.
“Ohh, I have ALWAYS wanted to do this!” she squealed.
The man couldn’t believe it. Usually women didn’t react this way. Was it too good to be true? These broads couldn’t be that dumb, could they? The girls stood there, eagerly awaiting his next move. I guess this is just my lucky night, he thought.
“You’re gonna love this,” he told them. And with that, he motioned for them to follow. They walked into a narrow alleyway on the side of the shop, and continued till they reached the back of the building, where they took a right. Now they were near a grimy dumpster. A black cat came running out of nowhere, hissing as it disappeared. “Black cats are good luck,” Blair said cheerfully. The other girls nodded in agreement. The man began to wonder what drugs the girls had taken prior to their meeting. Either that or they were just plain crazy. The thought made him a little nervous since he was outnumbered.
So they stood there by the dumpster, and he told them he actually owned the hair salon and that he was the only hairdresser there. “Business is good,” he claimed.
“When I’m down here in Westport I never see this place open during the day,” Lauren said.
The man smiled, showing a few shiny teeth. “That’s because I only take clients at night. And tonight, you lucky ladies are going to get your hair done for free!”
“YESSS!” Tessa yelled.
“Wicked!” Blair chimed in. And Lauren just grinned a big, stupid grin. Nobody thought to ask why they were getting their hair done for free. Or maybe they just really needed their hair done.
He took out his keys and opened the back door to the salon. “Ladies first,” he said. And without a moment’s hesitation, the girls entered The Doll House. He flipped the lightswitch on and the first thing they noticed were shelves lining the wall to the right. Each shelf housed about a dozen mannequin heads – very lifelike ones.
“Do you like them?” he asked. The girls nodded eagerly. He switched the lightswitch off and the screaming began. It took about 2 hours for the girls to finish their work. When they were done, a new head had joined the other victims on the shelf – a lovely male head, preserved to perfection. Tessa had stabbed him with some shears while Blair wrapped a hairdryer cord around his neck. Lauren used an ax to sever the head. He had all the killing tools and preservative chemicals already in the room – they had been on top of a counter hidden underneath a blanket. The man had been right to doubt the girls’ willingness. Such a fool…
“Aw, look at him up there – so serious looking!” Lauren commented.
“He’s just having a bad hair day!” Tessa replied. The girls all laughed maniacally.
“Alright, who’s hungry?” Lauren asked. “Let’s go to IHOP, I want pancakes STAT!”
#2: “We’re not interested, thanks,” said Blair. The girls picked up their pace and ignored the strange man. Without turning around, they made a beeline for the Westport Flea Market. Lauren turned around once to make sure they weren’t being followed, and thankfully they weren’t. They were still walking when they heard, “I’m just gonna stick with you ladies cause that guy creeped me the FUCK out!” It was Andrew, still finishing his gyro wannabe sandwich.
“We’re so glad you were around – who knows what would have happened had we been alone,” Lauren said. At that point the Flea Market was in view and Andrew had reached his car. They said their “nice-to-meet-yous” and parted ways.
“Ready for some IHOP?” Lauren asked, always interested in food. The girls agreed, since they were famished. And so they headed off to their separate vehicles. Blair strode over to her Batmobile, Tessa hopped on her Harley Davidson, and Lauren stepped into her old El Camino. They reached IHOP at roughly the same time. But something was wrong at IHOP. Terribly, terribly, wrong. Police were lined up outside and the whole place was barricaded. The girls were supposed to meet their friend Cody there. To their horror, Cody had been taken hostage inside the IHOP by a psychotic old waitress who was having a bad day. She held Cody to her body with a knife to his throat. She was waiving her waitress pad in the other hand, screaming something.
The girls got in listening distance to the cops outside. All the other IHOP customers and workers were backed up in a corner of the restaurant. You could clearly see inside, since the place was lined with windows.
“She said she was sick of the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘n Fruity,” said one cop. “And stuffed French toast. She said somebody was going to die.” The girls’ eyes widened – they had to save Cody. They gave each other “the look” and suddenly disappeared.
Moments later, 3 female vigilantes entered IHOP. Where or how they entered, the cops did not know. They were panicking. “Get those girls out of there!” Roared the chief. “We can’t go in there or that boy is toast!” another cop said.
“Mmm, toast…” said the chief. At this point, if these girls made the choice to be in there on their own, there was nothing they could do. The crazy lady had promised death if any cop entered the restaurant. What would happen now with these girls? One wrong move and it could get ugly. They would just watch and see.
At this point the crazy waitress had of course noticed the new visitors. The girls were all wearing capes. Blair’s cape had a bat on it, Lauren’s cape had a cat, and Tessa’s had an outline of the country of Austria. They also wore masks to cover their eyes. Jewel-encrusted masks, to be precise. Cody had never been so relieved. “Help!” he mouthed to them.
“Unhand him, evil doer!” Tessa shouted at the old waitress.
“NEVER!” the insane waitress rasped, holding the knife ever closer to Cody’s neck. Cody trembled.
“I think that’s the worst decision you’ve ever made,” Lauren said, crossing her arms. The girls then looked around for Blair, who was suddenly absent. From the back of the restaurant they heard a muffled voice. “I’ll be there in a minute, I’m making some coffee!” Blair yelled. The girls smiled.
And then she was back, sipping on a fresh, hot cup. The coffee pot was in the other hand. Blair began circling the lady. “I bet you get so tired of serving coffee every day,” she said. The woman was getting nervous.
“I’ll cut his throat! I’ll do it!” she threatened. Blair was going faster now, her cape flowing behind her. The lady was bewildered. Soon Blair was going so fast she was running in circles around Cody and the woman. Eventually she picked up enough speed and left her human form. If you looked hard enough it was almost as if a bat were flying around the waitress and hostage. Suddenly a bone-chilling scream came from within the dark, batty Blair tornado. Blair had spilled piping hot coffee on the woman’s back. It was so shockingly painful the woman had dropped her knife and fell to her knees. Blair stopped and kicked the knife out of the way. Tessa grabbed Cody and threw him into a nearby booth. Lauren took some food from a customer’s plate nearby. She threw pancakes and bacon at the woman’s face. Tessa ran over and drizzled syrup all over the woman, who was now screaming. “No, not the syrup, no!!!!” There was so much syrup she was stuck to the floor. Blair came over to throw down the final move.
“Hungry?” she asked, carrying a huge plate of stuffed French toast. “I brought your favorite!” The woman was hysterical.
“Nooo! Anything but the French–“ and Blair pried her mouth open and shoved in every single slice. The woman’s eyes rolled back in her head and she crumbled to the floor.
“You just got stuffed, bitch!” Blair declared. At that point the cops busted in and everybody was cheering. Who were these girls? They were like the Powerpuff girls…only darker.
The owner of IHOP treated Cody and the girls to a free breakfast. They dined until they were fully satisfied. “Thanks, ladies,” Cody said gratefully. “What else do you do besides fight crime and eat breakfast?”
The girls grinned and exchanged glances. Lauren wiggled her eyebrows and said, “Well I also like to eat lunch and dinner. Maybe do a little meditation…”
Blair said, “Drink coffee…hunt men.”
And Tessa? “I’m working on a nuclear astrophysics degree.”
The ladies certainly led busy, fulfilling lives. He made a mental note to never piss them off.