Epic Boobage

Three kinds of women exist in this world:

1. Women who are born with massive amounts of mammary flesh. The kind of in-your-face boobs that, no matter how tightly bound, anyone can tell those boobs are raging to get out of their cage.

Ahhh! They can hardly contain themselves!

2. Women who are born with just enough balance to create a noticeable curve, and some fine cleavage to show off without being called a skank.

The “average” womanly figure.

3. Women who are born flat just like every other woman, but instead of developing further they stop growing once Elementary School ends, never graduating from training bras. Cleavage is non-existent.

The boobs look bigger than they are because of padding. It’s allll an illusion.

Apparently, breast size is very important to lots of women (and men). I overheard a conversation recently between several girls in their twenties…one of their friends had just gone to the bathroom, and they were talking about her.

GIRL 1: “Omg she is SO lucky, she has a tiny little body and huge boobs.”

GIRL 2: “I know, her husband must feel lucky, too. ”

GIRL 3: “At least we have boobs!  Ha ha ha…”

GIRL 1: “Yeah, but I’ve still been thinking about getting a boob job…”

As I was listening in I looked down at my own boobs, or lack thereof. I still shop in Target’s children’s section sometimes for the kiddie bras, because the smallest ones Victoria’s Secret carries or most department stores are still too big. In my pre-college school years, I got teased from a guy because, as he put it, “Even Joey the fat boy has bigger tits than you do.” It instantly  made me feel like less of a woman, because women are associated with sexy curves, and I was flat as could be.

Look at all the bras out there – the majority of them are super padded, to make you look even bigger. Why the need to look bigger? Is it because women think men will pay more attention to them, or be more attracted to them? The media sure is obsessed with chest size. How about boob enhancing pills or creams? And I’m sure you’ve heard countless tales of women getting out of tough situations because they showed a little extra cleavage. One time I was at a concert with a bigger-bosomed buddy, and a few guys nearby yelled, “flash your boobies!” My friend grinned and pretended to lift up her shirt a little bit. I began to but was stopped short when one of them said, “No, not you!”

This is how the media has defined boobage:
Bigger breasted women = “sexy.”
Smaller breasted women = “cute.”

In the poster materials for Disney’s 2005 movie “King Arthur”, Knightley’s breasts were seen as vital to the bottom dollar. Here on the right, they have been enhanced to look fuller. source: http://www.obsessedwithfilm.com/movie-news/no-fake-boobs-in-disneys-historically-accurate-pirates-of-the-caribbean

I may not have grown physically over the years, but I have grown to realize that there’s no need to change anything, and here is the positive side:

  • Not all men like big boobies. What men think about your boobs shouldn’t matter to confident women anyhow, but deep down, when you find the right guy, it does to some extent. Wouldn’t you rather the man of your dreams find your figure perfect the way it is, rather than thinking, “yeah the only thing missing is a little extra cleavage, that would be nice…”
  • When you’re jogging or exercising, you don’t get slapped with boob.
  • Small boobs? No painful back problems, and no sagging once you get older!
  • Smaller chested ladies are able to wear, overall, more clothing styles.
  • Girls with tiny tatas can get away with wearing low-cut or more revealing tops…because it doesn’t look slutty.
  • When you have a smaller chest, you can be assured that you’re not getting hired for that job or getting asked out by that guy only because you have big boobs.
  • Smaller on top = less matronly, more of a leaner, athletic look.

Now then, for you average (and above average) ladies who have boobs – I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m merely pointing out that society tends to highlight what you have to offer. You can fill out those V-neck, corset and tube tops wonderfully, easily find bras that fit, and feel like you’ve grown up into a ‘real’ woman.  Remember the times when your highschool friend who you hadn’t seen all summer came back in the fall, at the start of school, with a hot, fresh pair of bangin’ boobs? All the boys were paying attention. And hey – you get the best bras, those sexy, lacy ones with bows, mesh, and all the flirty little details. I’m still stuck at target with boring basics, or big girl bras that look weird on me because I can’t even fill ‘em in. I’m still searching for the perfect one that combines sizzling, flirty and feminine and that fits like a glove. I love my big-booby friends, but it’s time to put the spotlight on lil’ bitties for a change.

So embrace your size, whatever you are and for goodness sakes, leave surgery for the poor girls who have back pain, the girls with mutated or completely different sized boobs, or if you’re going into the porn industry. (However, there is a market for small-boobed girls – for those who want a younger, supple teen kind of look).

Anyway, I’ll end with this: Who looks more badass?

I know who I’d pick. 🙂

8 thoughts on “Epic Boobage

  1. Hahahahahaha, I love how they edited the boobs in the King Arthur pic haha. Really does go to show you what kind of society we live in.

    I’ve heard from big titted chicks that it’s actually more of a hassle to carry around than what us guys think lmao. Saggage is definitely something they’ll have to worry about once they start hitting their 30’s lmao, gravity sets in. Their only fun for so long, then the warranty expires lmao. C cup is good enough imho.

    Just gotta be happy with what you have =] Guys probably feel that same with what they carry, I never had to worry though. ;]

    • Yes, Keira Knightley was not happy at all about the editing.

      I know! I can’t imagine carrying around significantly more weight on my chest. C cup seems to be the most sought-after size.

      I am definitely happy with what I have, but it took a while to get there. 🙂

      As I was writing this, I thought about guys and their situation, too. I’m always hearing radio commercials now about ways to increase penis size, because girls think the bigger, the better when it comes to performance. I’ve always said it’s not the size, but how you use it. hehe

      • Back in the day when my crowd of guys talked about such things, I felt lonely saying that I liked women with smaller mammaries. The big breast boys would laugh and call me a fag, or say that I must have a little “johnson.” Now these guys just sit around and talk about golf and football.

        Your “small” list makes sense to this guy. I think the older you get the bigger the burden of bigger breasts grows. And the man of your dreams won’t be the man of your dreams if he isn’t pleased with you just the you are. He may still like to admire others, but he’ll have what he wants. I’m pleased with the woman of my dreams, even if she doesn’t look exactly like Amy Adams or Gwneth Paltrow.

  2. Oh yeah, cause it’s manly to like big boobs. Haha. Amy Adams is a cutie…saw her recently in Julia & Julia. I’m going to remember the BBB (Big Breast Boys) – and we’ll call the other end of the spectrum FSF (fun size fans). Well said! There’s something for everyone out there.

  3. Awesome post, Lauren. The honesty and openness in expressing yourself speak a lot about that inner warrioress you sport around with amazing courage. This was a while back and I’m sure there is more in that brilliant mind with your powers of observation. You really set it straight. Beyond the hype most men are thrilled beyond measure to meet a girl that has breasts she doesn’t mind sharing. It’s a treasured moment. Getting to that point is another story and it can get complicated.

    • Thanks, my friend! Wow yes, almost 6 years ago this post was written. I wouldn’t change anything I said. It’s still frustrating at times but overall, I am content (and so is my gentleman). It’s comical to think of myself with a big ‘ole pair, anyway. I certainly wouldn’t enjoy all my fitness activities as much. Ha, yes, men’s journey to Mammary Mountain – I can imagine the joys and perils along the way. 😉

      Lately I’ve been thinking why do I even have to wear a damn bra? When you see a man nipping out a little bit through his shirt you don’t think anything of it. I guess it’s totally sexual with females. I know if I stopped wearing one to work it wouldn’t be long before someone would call up HR and complain.

      • Body image is a big thing for me, no pun intended. I see it wreck so many people. I usually work on that first with someone I’m training. Yes, that double standard is alive and well. Buttons on a woman’s shirt is a powerful sexual signal to males whether she intends it or not. We can’t get past it. It’s in our DNA. We will instantly revert to baboons upon visual recognition. Some of us can still be gentlemen if we strain our gizzard hard enough. But, it might be fun to see how many people you can make stutter before the anti-breast patrol shows up. 😉 In the mean time, you got it right. Keep on driving straight ahead and your man isn’t going to complain. If he does, use one of your newly learned hapkido moves to recalibrate his mammary pleasure sensor. 😀

      • Yes, unfortunately one of my friends who’s in her early 20s has been using botox injections. She’s also had numerous plastic surgeries with plans for more. I’m afraid she’ll never be satisfied. Ha! I would rather not get stared at any more than I already do with unusually-colored hair. Might have to just go braless and slap some duct tape on them. 😀

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